Determining how to best care for a senior parent is tricky and emotional, regardless of whether or not you’re the primary caregiver. When you live far away from a parent who’s in addiction recovery, it further complicates your situation. How can you ensure your parent stays on the sober, healthy track when there are so many miles between you?
If you’ve faced these struggles yourself, you’re not alone. Multiple studies have shown that over 1 in 10 American caregivers live hours away from their aging parent. Although it won’t be easy, there are many ways you can help your parent live a healthy life while reducing the risks of relapse.
Start by working together as a family. Talk to your other relatives to determine how to best divide the caregiving responsibilities. If possible, a trustworthy and responsible relative should be named Power of Attorney (POA) over your aging parent. Having a POA makes it easier for your family to advocate for your parent’s healthcare, look after his or her property, and make medical and/or financial decisions on his or her behalf.
Healing from addiction is a family affair. Use this opportunity to talk to your relatives about how your loved one’s addiction has affected your entire family. Attend family counseling with a licensed therapist if you’re interested in resolving drama triangles, codependent relationships, and toxic patterns that enable addictions.
Because addiction often goes hand-in-hand with mental illness or trauma, it’s important for your loved one to work with a licensed therapist and remain properly medicated for any existing psychiatric conditions. To keep an eye on how your parent is doing, regularly check-in via video chat. The wonders of modern technology allow you to see your parent (and his or her living conditions) from anywhere in the world.
Depending upon how independent and functional your loved one is, he or she might need assistance with cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, running errands, and going to the doctor. If you don’t have a local relative or trusted family friend who can assist with these responsibilities, you might consider hiring professionals.
From in-home care to meal delivery services, there are many options available to long-distance caregivers these days. You might ask your local AA or NAMI chapter for additional resources. If your parent is unwell enough to continue living independently on their own, you might also consider an assisted living facility or, if needed, a nursing home.
As difficult as caregiving for an aging parent might be, it also presents an opportunity to heal your past and grow closer to your parent. If your parent’s history of substance abuse has created a rift between the two of you, mending your broken relationship is important, no matter how difficult.
A diverse study showed that unresolved tensions lower the quality of your relationship. Healing your relationship with your parent feels freeing and empowering, and potentially improves your other interpersonal relationships, too. Consider working with a family therapist to help break toxic patterns and discuss any lingering issues from the past.
Mending a broken relationship can be tricky if you’re not ready to forgive. Forgiving your parent for their struggles with addiction is an important step in healing your relationship and improving your own self care. You’ll know when you’re ready to forgive, but it usually only happens after you’ve taken time to grieve the childhood you never had.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you must “forget” how your parent hurt you. You’re not saying your parent was “right” for what they did. You’re just choosing to release your pain. Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself.
As you care for your parent from afar, stay strong and approach any difficult situations with a problem-solving mindset. In the words of psychologist David M. Allen, MD, “The presence of multiple resistances represents multiple problems to be solved, not multiple reasons for giving up.”
By focusing on potential solutions to any problems that might arise, it will become easier to remain calm and maintain healthy boundaries during times of conflict. By developing a solid plan for how to handle situations in the future, you’ll eventually become empowered to better help your loved one.
Jim Vogel focuses on helping ensure seniors are able to thrive throughout their golden years by sharing pertinent resources and information.
